Esther Perel 1 source tracked
Belgian-American psychotherapist and author known for her work on modern relationships, desire, and infidelity.
About Esther Perel →
Esther Perel is a Belgian-American psychotherapist and author known for her work on modern relationships, intimacy, and desire. Born in Antwerp, Belgium, to Polish-Jewish Holocaust survivors, she earned a degree from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and a master's in expressive arts therapy from Lesley University. She has maintained a private therapy practice in New York City for decades and consults for organizations on workplace dynamics. Perel is the author of "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" and "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity," and hosts the podcasts "Where Should We Begin?" and "How's Work?" Her TED talks on relationships have been viewed widely.
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Organic (prompted)
Schedule a clean half-hour or hour with your partner where phones are off — full presence increases oxytocin and well-being more than any supplement.
“carve out a half an hour that's clean
TD▶ 28:20Dosage30 minutes to 1 hour, phone off, fully presentCertaintyexplicitstrong endorsement -
Organic (prompted)
Sing with others — collective singing creates resonance, empathy, playfulness and is described as 'holy work' against social atrophy.
“go sing with people... when you sing together, you create a collective resonance
TD▶ 1:19:20Certaintyexplicitstrong endorsement -
Most couple arguments aren't about the surface issue but about three things: power and control; trust, care and closeness; and respect and recognition.
“they fight for power and control... trust... respect and recognition
TD▶ 1:21:10DosageAsk: what am I fighting for — power/control, trust/closeness, or respect/recognition?Certaintyexplicitrecommendation -
Organic (prompted)
If you want a satisfying monogamous sex life, actively cultivate playfulness, curiosity, imagination and eroticism — bring your best, not your leftovers, to the relationship.
“what do you do to energize your relationship?
TD▶ 43:00Certaintyexplicitstrong endorsement -
Perel's 2006 book on the dilemmas of desire in long-term relationships, referenced as background for declining partnered sex.
“I wrote about that in Mating in Captivity
TD▶ 19:58Certaintyexplicitoffhand mention -
Sponsor read
Sponsor read for Mint Mobile's $15/month premium wireless plan.
“Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan
TD▶ 32:20Dosagemintmobile.com/switch; $45 upfront for 3-month planCaveatsIntro rate first 3 months only; taxes/fees extraCertaintyexplicitrecommendation -
Giving compliments or small kindnesses to others raises your oxytocin and well-being; doing for others — not just self-care — is foundational to happiness.
“give compliments to people... your oxytocin levels go up too
TD▶ 52:20CaveatsNot in every circumstanceCertaintyexplicitrecommendation -
Send your partner small 'sweet nothings' throughout the day — tiny acts of acknowledgment change how a person feels and put energy into the relationship.
“how often during the day do you send just a little sweet nothing
TD▶ 1:29:50DosageMultiple small messages per dayCertaintyexplicitrecommendation -
Organic (prompted)
When messaging on dating apps, show curiosity — reference something specific from the person's profile and ask a real question instead of 'hey, what's up, wanna hang.'
“show interest? I saw something in your picture
TD▶ 14:50DosageReference something in their profile; ask a specific question like 'if we went to listen to music, what's the first band we'd go to'Certaintyexplicitrecommendation -
Perel's book on infidelity offering a nuanced perspective on why people stray and how couples handle disclosure.
“Reid State of affairs because I spent many years writing this book about infidelity
TD▶ 31:10Certaintyexplicitrecommendation -
Guest recommendation
Perel's card game for creating meaningful workplace relationships, recommended to use at weekly team meetings, onboarding or off-sites.
“a beautiful ritual to have your weekly start with a few cards
TD▶ 1:22:50DosagePull one card per person at the weekly all-hands; works for onboarding and off-sitesCertaintyexplicitstrong endorsement -
Organic (prompted)
When intimacy has died, write your partner a letter acknowledging the gap, your contribution to it, and invite them to rekindle — desire goes through eclipses like the moon.
“I'm prepared to do my part. Would you be willing to do yours?
TD▶ 47:00DosageWrite a letter acknowledging the emptiness, your own contribution, missing them, and asking to rekindleCertaintyexplicitstrong endorsement -
Organic (prompted)
Don't automatically confess infidelity just to relieve your guilt — ask what disclosure will do to your partner and the relationship; sometimes honesty cleanses you while destroying another.
“honesty sometimes is extremely caring and at other times can be very cruel
TD▶ 32:10DosageAsk: who am I doing this for? What will happen to my partner and the relationship?CaveatsNot universal — some situations call for disclosureCertaintyexplicitmild caution -
Perel cautions against using dating apps as a replacement for real-life meeting; they breed commodification, ghosting and burnout if relied on exclusively.
“Use it, but don't make it become the replacement
TD▶ 8:00CaveatsApps can broaden your circle if used as a tool, not a substituteCertaintyexplicitmild caution -
Excessive porn use among young men is associated with erectile dysfunction with partners, because attunement and resonance with a partner differs from solo physiological response.
“the majority of men who come to sex therapy today for erectile dysfunctions are young men in their twenties
TD▶ 22:05CaveatsDepends on how much and what else is in your life — not an all-or-nothing claimCertaintyhedgedmild caution